The emotional hangover of hook up culture.

To have sex like a man, no strings, no shame. The dream.

There’s a polarising cross-generational debate surrounding modern day hook-up culture. Older generations blame dating apps, casual sex, and — of course — those damn phones for the supposed downfall of society. And I say this through gritted teeth and a wounded ego, but they might not be entirely wrong. And before the keyboard warriors get mad and the first-wave feminists start rolling in their graves, let me be clear — sex is great. Casual, no-strings sex? Great. Soft, intimate, lover-girl sex? Also great. We love it all. The problem isn’t the sex. It’s that instead of truly freeing ourselves from the constraints of old-school morality, we’ve just traded purity rings for performative detachment — and called it liberation.

It took swallowing my ego and confronting a hard truth; my actions were more influenced by the external than I was ready to admi. I love sex — I love the physicality of it, the rough hands, the urgent pulls, the biting, gripping hunger. But not without the softness that follows. The soft whispers, the lazy tracing of fingertips, the warmth of tangled limbs in the afterglow. And it took tuning out the noise to finally admit I want both. But I felt as if I was doing a disservice to all the women that fought so hard to remove stigmas and shame, that allowed our generation to be sexually liberated. As if I owed it to them to be detached and never let my emotions show, to prove I can play the game just as well as men, if not better. But that pressure didn’t come from nowhere, the roots of this sexual performance run deep.

The 1960’s saw the introduction of birth control that came with the first wave of feminism and liberation movement. Sexual relations became an option outside the narrow and traditional constraints of monogamous relationships. Public discourse was opened, sex normalised, and negative stigmas removed, especially from women who reclaimed autonomy over their bodies.

And yet, the stigmas still live, the double standards still linger, and the expectations around how a woman should exist remain just as suffocating. Expectations that have become a double-edged sword. Too prude and conservative — you’re not a real feminist. Too sexually liberal and uninhibited — you’re not a respectable woman. Caught in the crossfire of contradiction, you just can’t win.

If I wasn’t clear already, hooking up is not the problem. As someone that preached to the choir about how liberating casual sex is, the act is not problematic in and of itself. What I have a problem with is how we are becoming casual with each other’s humanity as a result. Apps like tinder have turned dating into a game of hot or not, a dehumanising method of online shopping, one swipe away from short-lived instant gratification. That is if you finish. Tinder’s recent ad that reads “Meet the love of your night” perfectly captures the commodification of connection.

We’re all chasing a ‘quick fix’. A transient feeling of excitement and pleasure, A feeling of being chosen, if only for a fleeting moment. And with the abundance of options, we literally have at the tip of our fingertips, the dopamine hits have us racing through the revolving doors of short-lived situationships. How can we be expected to cultivate deep lasting connections when not only is it so easy to take the convenient path, but we think everyone else is on the same ride.

No-strings sex and hooking up becomes problematic when, instead of simply offering a judgment-free way to experience intimacy, society pressures us to treat it as the expected norm. When it turns into a performance — something you have to prove: that yes, you can physically let someone in and walk away indifferent to who they are or what they mean to you. It’s a callous attitude towards an intimate act. So why do I feel ashamed when I can’t be detached? As fun and liberating as it is, not all of us can patch the void with a quick fix. And the performative bravado that we all think we need to project is part of the issue. Several studies found that individuals attitudes towards casual sex are often conflicting when asking in a group setting as opposed to on-on-one. So, in an effort to keep up with up with societal expectations, we’re all striving to appear effortlessly cool and unbothered by faking indifference.

I am witnessing people pressured into sex acts they are not comfortable with, never having their own erotic needs satisfied, and seeking affection in sex and getting none.

We’ve unwillingly been forced into the unwinnable game of who cares less. And it’s taking a toll — over 80% of sex-goers who have casual sex say they end up feeling embarrassed or lose respect for themselves. Almost 8 out of 10 women, and 7 out 10 men, feel regret afterward (Garcia, 2013). And the expectations that are pressuring people into appearing sexually liberated are not just harmful for women. But a lot of young men have voiced the exhaustion they feel in maintaining the emotionless stoic personas They don’t want to have to prove anything to their friends. But whereas women felt they can voice their feelings, men are made to feel that complaining is verboten.

So no, the sexually liberated new generation cannot be written off as male sex-machines who have no feelings taking advantage of women who are victims. Because not only is that view of the sexes ridiculously outdated and misguided, but the false stereotype is also offensive and psychologically destructive for women. Wherein the feminist movement advocated for the choice, this archaic view can mislead women into thinking that choosing non-traditional sexual experiences means losing a part of themselves. One of the most important shifts in the last century has been the recognition that we are allowed to be sexual beings. Even if I don’t fully embrace hookup culture or no longer want to take part in it, that doesn’t mean I think we need to regress.

While all the traditionalists still believe that casual sex is the demise of society, there is no research as of yet that suggests having a lot of causal sex can impedes ones ability to form intimate relationships in the future. And while on the surface it appears to be revolve around immediate sexual gratification, done in a safe and healthy manner, there’s still nuance. Most people I’ve spoken to have used the no-strings arrangement to better understand themselves, experiment, and explore their sexuality. And in the strong individualistic culture we’re moving into, hook-up culture is an inevitable byproduct. I myself am guilty of this. My old reasoning was that between work, university, my other friends, family, hobbies, travel, and all the other endless responsibilities we’re now juggling — I simply didn’t have the time. I justified and delayed an emotional intimate relationship by convincing myself that it wouldn’t be fair to the other person if I didn’t have the time, energy and emotional bandwidth to give them. So, for that season of my life, hookup culture wasn’t a bad thing — it let me focus, avoid distractions, and still enjoy short-term gratification by finishing. Sometimes. In a strange way I’m grateful for that phase, as short and bittersweet as it was. It allowed me to truly experience and understand. It’s one thing to be told; it’s another to live it and really learn. All the cautionary tales I was told wouldn’t have been enough.

So, there is no need for moral panic, or outcry talking of how the generations are having sex but not connecting. Because accepting diverse relationships and the freedom to explore one’s sexuality is a positive step forward. We’re all happy to have the option of no-strings attached, it’s when cultural expectations tell us to monitor our emotions and be dispassionate, when the pressure becomes an issue. It only gets complicated when sexual intimacy is seen as an either/or choice. Rather than reducing it to extremes, with one end calling it liberating and empowering, whilst the other labels it as jading and exhausting. All we simply need to do is strike a balance between new and exciting casual encounters and deep emotional intimacy. Remove double-edged cultural expectations and simply allow people the option and get out of the room. We all have our fixations and kinks in bed, and the level of connection one wants with their physical partner is just another one of them.